


dear diary, i am in love

by softkwan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, Fluff, Journaling, M/M, Romance, a bit cringey at first, lots of emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-03-06 03:38:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13402659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softkwan/pseuds/softkwan
Summary: Seungkwan starts a diary and opens up about his huge crush on a boy. Who also happens to be his best friend. Who may or may not accidentally find his journal and find out about everything.





	1. lie

_"Today I bought a journal. This notebook right here. I probably should to start this with some cheesy stuff like "dear diary blah blah blah...". Great. I have never really written in a diary, mostly because I just simply do not have enough time, energy or motivation to write down all my thoughts or events whatsoever. Although, recently I’ve found interest in writing down some of my feelings._

_I feel like I am going through a big change in my life. I guess that is surely natural, as I am only 21 years old. Still young huh?_

_Anyhow, I think I could… right here and now admit that I have a crush. It sounds so weird to say that. This notebook is only for me though, why am I nervous? Anyway, I haven’t had a crush since middle school! Okay, this is dumb. I know I could just erase this text but, maybe I’ll look back to this someday thinking ’Wow Seungkwan you embarrassing piece of trash!’ or maybe not. Who knows?_

_So.. this crush. He makes me go crazy. He is so pretty. Oh how I wish it wasn’t so complicated… Me and Hans-"_

 

Seungkwan dropped the pencil from his hand when he heard someone behind the front door of the practice room. He closed the journal and stood up quickly. He thought it would be an awesome idea to give himself some space from the members for a change, even though he usually can’t go a minute without them. Somehow in the past several weeks, he has found himself alone in the practice room in the evening either just laying on the couch thinking about life or singing his favorite songs while looking at himself in the mirror, feeling it. That’s what he loves. He loves singing. He loves to perform. He feels relaxed. Right there on his own, all alone. Maybe he should’ve always considered doing that during stressful times ever since trainee days.

A familiar tall figure peeked from the door.

”Our food delivery came, come eat!” said Mingyu, with a gentle smile. Seungkwan walked towards the door, carrying the white notebook and pencil in his hand.

”Oh, what did you write in that notebook? Secrets? Wait… is that a journal?” he continued, looking down at Seungkwan with a smirk but full of curiosity. Seungkwan hated how Mingyu always wanted to know everything he’s doing, as if he was absolutely obsessed with him. Normally, he would tell Mingyu what’s going on but this time he has to tell a white lie.

”Just some drawings, I’ve started drawing lately.” Seungkwan replied, laughing nervously.

”Really?! Show me, are you even good?” Mingyu got excited and reached for the notebook in Seungkwan’s hand but the boy moved his hand away.

”No, oh my god, I don’t want anyone to see them, they’re…. unfinished.” the younger boy lied. He hated to lie. Mingyu was so important to him. Lying to someone as caring and loving as Mingyu sucks. But he can’t tell anybody about his feelings towards Hansol Vernon Chwe, at least not yet.

They walked in comfortable silence to their dorm and headed to the kitchen to have dinner with the rest of the boys. But first, Seungkwan rushed to his shared bedroom to hide his journal under his pillow.

 

The food was, as expected, delicious. All of the members had got comfortable somewhere around the dorm with their meals. Some were sitting around the table, some moved to the living room located right next to the kitchen. Seungkwan could hear the little contented mumbles from the boys enjoying their fried noodles and spicy chicken wings. He was about to join his group mates in the living room when he was stopped by his best friend. _His crush_.

 

”Hey Seungkwan, we were supposed to go for a walk today. You were away for quite a while, did you forget?” Hansol asked, with a little acted pout on his face, looking as if he was even a little offended by the possible fact that his best friend would forget their tradition. They went for a walk every Sunday evening to just hang out together and talk about their thoughts and problems.

 

Shit. Seungkwan in fact could never forget it. Today was no exception. He just decided to avoid it. He didn’t need all the butterflies to fill his stomach again like every other time. One day Hansol will notice it and everything will be ruined. Why would he risk it all?

 

”No, of course I didn’t forget.” Seungkwan replied shortly. He wasn't usually this brief. He was always talking. 

”Then? Is something wrong, Seungkwan?” Hansol now looked at him with a worried face, taking Seungkwan’s hand in his. That was completely normal for them. Seungkwan decided he was going to try his best to hide everything. The fact that his main concern was standing in front of him, holding his goddamn hand. Seungkwan didn’t even have time to think about what to say when Hansol continued. ”Actually, let’s just take a walk now. We’re here. You can tell me outside.”

 

He led Seungkwan to their dorm’s front door and let go of his hand to put on his jacket and shoes and the older boy did the same. They shouted byes to the other members and left the place.

 

_Why is Hansol like this? He’s always so shy and careful of his acts. Why is he suddenly dragging me outside? Is he really that worried?_

 

It’s not like Seungkwan couldn’t act normal around his best friend. Of course he can hug him, hold his hand and be around him without feeling like he’s going to lose his mind. They are extremely comfortable around each other which helps Seungkwan’s crush a little. Or not. There’s just that lately it has been harder for him to think about it all in a platonic way.

They arrived to a quiet area near their dorm and slowed their walking. Seungkwan really wasn’t ready to lie again, but he knew Hansol would ask about him until he got something out. The blonde boy was not actually feeling low, nothing was wrong. He was just confused and had too many things on his mind at the same time. All of them having to do with his best friend who’s walking right next to him, unusually close to his side.

 

”How are you?” Hansol finally asked.

”I’m good, just tired I guess…” Seungkwan replied with a simple answer. ”How are you, Hansol?” he continued, trying to shift the focus on his best friend.

”Oh I’m good, nothing new. Just a little stressed about our upcoming schedule but it’ll be fine.” The younger boy answered. ”Are you sure you’re good? You seem a little… spaced out. That’s far from the usual bubbly Seungkwan I know.”

”Really, I’m okay” Seungkwan mumbled the answer. That’s the problem. Seungkwan is so obvious. He cannot hide his problems from his best friend or actually, anyone. Hansol will always notice the changes in the blonde boy’s actions and facial expressions. Hansol was not convinced with the older male’s short reply. He took the boy’s hand shyly and intertwined their fingers. There weren’t many people around to see this action, so he dared to be brave and hold on tight. Seungkwan’s heart started beating faster at the same second Hansol tightened his hold. His hand was warm. It was precisely cold outside, like any wintery day in January. Somehow the brunette’s hand was so heated and Seungkwan felt like it could melt his whole body by one touch.

”Your hand is so warm, it’s nice” Seungkwan decided to point it out. Attempting to change the subject again.

”Yours is cold, Seungkwan. And I know you’re not okay. Tell me what’s up.” Hansol insisted, still holding tightly onto his best friend’s hand.

Oh shit.

Seungkwan stopped walking and turned to Hansol. He had to say something. ”It’s just… I… think there are some… uhh… changes in my life. And I’m… kinda scared.” He stuttered out, looking down at his feet. He was not lying but he wasn’t telling the whole truth either. He could never confess to his crush.

Hansol looked confused but being understanding friend he is, instead of trying to get more answers, he let go of Seungkwan’s hand and tied his long arms around the boy’s body to a warm hug. He knew how Seungkwan reacts to changes and how worried he can be. He didn’t want to push him.

 

”If you wanna talk about it, I’m here” Hansol said quietly to Seungkwan’s ear. It was a long hug.

_There’s no way Seungkwan is going to tell the absolute truth._

”I know, Hansol.” Seungkwan pulled away and finally took a look at the taller boy’s pretty face. ”Thank you. You’re an amazing friend.”

 

_Friend._

 

_"So.. this crush. He makes me go crazy. He is so pretty. Oh how I wish it wasn’t so complicated… Me and Hansol are best friends and it would ruin EVERYTHING if I suddenly made some moves on him. He likes girls only. He has never talked to me about boys. I'm sure if he was attracted to boys too he would've told me, right? We are best friends._

_Today was so exhausting. Mostly mentally. I'm not that type of person who can keep feelings inside for a long time. I need to open up to someone. Now, I think I should hit the hay. What a stupid way to start this diary thing. Whatever, good night diary."_

 


	2. weary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan wakes up at 3am to snoring and finds Hansol sleeping in the lounge.

_"Dear diary,_

_you may wonder what ”big changes” I meant in the previous text. I think I am finally starting to find myself. I’ve realized who I want to be as an artist, who I want to be as a person. I finally came out to the members and I started new hobbies that I very much enjoy and that will distract me from real life sometimes. I think that is important. Anyways, last night me and Hansolie went for a walk and he wanted to ask what’s wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me for fuck’s sake. It’s your face, Hansol. I don’t want to just hug you as your best friend??? I want to be more than that. I wish I could call you mine and kiss you on your pretty lips. Oh yeah, your fucking lips. Okay, this escalated quickly._

_Is this diary thing really for me? I keep complaining about dumb stuff that makes no sense. I bet the future Seungkwan in 2030 is laughing his ass off at this while being surrounded by little puppies since he never found the love of his life. I don’t want to end up alone (even though the puppies would make up for it)._

_Today was a long day, we practiced a hella long time for our performance that is next week. I really hope it goes well and I want to believe it will. Now I just really need to go to bed, I'm going to fall asleep anytime. Good night."_

Seungkwan really did fall asleep right after putting his journal under his pillow and shutting his phone's screenlight that he needed as the lights in their shared bedroom were shut. All the other members were already asleep in their bunks, snoring quietly. Luckily Seungkwan didn't have problems with trying to sleep in a little noise. In a couple minutes all the members at the dorm were sleeping calmly after a long day.

 

Hansol and Seungkwan have been best friends since trainee days. They’ve bonded over their shared birth year and even though their personalities are completely opposites, they still have something that makes their friendship perfect. They’re always there for each other. They are each other’s rocks. Out of all thirteen members of their group Hansol would choose Seungkwan and Seungkwan would choose Hansol.

 

Seungkwan was certain that for Hansol this was just a friendship. Ever since their fans started calling them as ’boyfriends’, Hansol became less touchy, even at their private dorm. Back in their trainee days he used to be remarkably clingy but back then even Seungkwan thought he saw Hansol as a friend. It has only been recently when he’s noticed how much he loves Hansol’s bright and luxurious brown eyes, rich and filled eyebrows, his pinkish lips and perfectly firm jawline. He loves how Hansol smiles with his teeth showing, how true it looks on his face that Seungkwan just wishes he was the reason that made him happy. He loves how Hansol’s shyness appears as looking down on his feet and taking his hands behind his back and biting his lip. He loves when Hansol speaks English and how proud he looks that he knows a foreign language fluently. He admires Hansol. He loves Hansol. Every single little detail about Hansol Vernon Chwe. And he doesn’t think he can keep his thoughts away from him any longer. Seungkwan has to focus on work too. If he can't get this out of the way it will affect his job and that's the last thing he wants. The other members will notice the changes in no time and he would have to explain everything. That can cause a bigger show. He has to tell somebody about his feelings.

 

He trusts all of his group mates but he couldn't just tell everyone or anyone about it. His mind went automatically to his oldest group mates Seungcheol and Jeonghan. Unfortunately, that wouldn't work out because one of them (or both) would accidentally slip it out. It just happens to be that way. Jeonghan can't keep his mouth shut sometimes and when Seungcheol is around, neither can he. Even though Seungkwan trusts them with his whole heart, this is something he can't tell just yet.

He also couldn't tell his mother or sisters because even though they've noticed he likes boys as well, he didn't want to hear all that teasing and questioning. They already think Seungkwan and Hansol are a couple. Not an actual real love couple, but a couple. A duo that nobody can separate. Technically, it makes sense. All of the members say that as well. Now he just has to decide who's going to be the first person to know about his real feelings towards his best friend. And Seungkwan thinks he knows who could definitely help with this. _Soonyoung_. 

 

It was 3AM. A loud snore. Seungkwan was fully awake. Big thanks to Seokmin, he couldn't sleep.  _Since when has he started snoring so loud._ Seungkwan thought, almost saying it out loud. He slept so well before this. _How are the other members in this room still sleeping in this loud noise._  After a couple minutes of contemplating whether he should get up or try to sleep again, he decided to climb out of his top bunk bed quietly. He walked out of their bedroom to the hallway, closed the bedroom door slowly and decided to head towards kitchen. The lights in the hallway were always left on and Seungkwan rubbed his eyes, trying to get used to the bright lights. He leaned on the kitchen counter, trying to think what to do now. He didn't feel like sleeping anymore. He wasn't hungry either. He walked around the kitchen, taking slow steps. He wondered if anyone else was awake at this ungodly hour. He moved from the kitchen to the lounge. Lights off, he couldn't see. The little source of illumination coming from the kitchen didn't really help, so Seungkwan turned on the floor lamp next to the big couch. 

Someone was sleeping on the couch, a thin blanket over the figure. The person moved a little, knowing someone in the room has put on the lights. A little whine came out of the person's mouth. Seungkwan moved closer to take a look who it was. _Oh god._

 

"Hansol? Oh I'm sorry I woke you up. Shit." Seungkwan stepped further from Hansol and reached for the switch to turn the lamp back off.

"Boo?" Hansol opened his eyes to see his best friend looking at him and about to turn off the light. "No, you don't have to turn it off yet. Why are you here?" The brunette continued. Seungkwan didn't expect this from Hansol. He's usually the type of person to continue sleeping after something like this, but when he saw his best friend standing in front of him looking sleepless, he stood up to sit and ask if something is up.

"I couldn't sleep. Seokmin was snoring too loud and now I'm not even tired anymore." Seungkwan laughed a little but turned his mouth into a little pout, that's what he always does. "Wait, why are you sleeping on the couch?" 

"Same thing. Wonwoo giggled in his sleep." Hansol answered, looking fatigued like he had stayed up very late. Seungkwan chuckled, imagining Wonwoo doing that. He looked at the tired face of the younger boy who brushed his hair with his long fingers and let out a long yawn. "I guess it's better here." Hansol continued.

"It sure is. I'm going to let you sleep and make myself a sandwich or something. Good ni-" Seungkwan already turned to switch off the light when Hansol stopped him by moving up to grab his best friend's hand. He pulled him back to sit next to him on the couch. 

"You can stay here. It's pretty cold and I only have this thin blanket with me." Hansol replied but he wasn't really looking into Seungkwan's eyes. _What does he mean?_

"What do you mean Hansol? You want me to bring another blanket? That's alright." Seungkwan knew he didn't mean that but he wanted to play dumb a little. He doesn't want any of his actions to look prominent. 

"I... uhh... maybe if you wanted to sleep here too? There's enough space. You know we used to sleep on the same bed very often back in the days." The younger boy answered, sounding a bit unsure of what he's trying to say.  _Back in the days._ Of course Seungkwan remembers they shared the bed back in the days. But it was nothing then. Now he doesn't know how to be so close to Hansol physically. Their bodies are going to touch the whole time. Hugs aren't bad with someone you like. You're not going to be chest to chest with that person for hours. Sleeping next to somebody is a couple thing.  _Oh shit. But you can't say no Seungkwan, he'll think there's something wrong again._

Seungkwan didn't know what to answer. Of course he would like to share the couch with his freaking crush. But his heart started beating harder now and he could feel his cheeks flush, trying to control it but fails. To Seungkwan's luck the lamp's lighting wasn't the brightest thing ever so Hansol probably didn't see the older boy's cheeks turning red.

He can control himself, he chose to. 

"Okay." 

Hansol pulled the older boy next to him. There really wasn't enough space for two people to lay. "Do you really think this is okay for you, I'm going to be fully pressed to your body." Seungkwan said, trying to adjust himself under their shared blanket, cheeks still flushed.

"Why wouldn't it be? I'm comfortable around you, it's fine." Hansol answered immediately. He took a look at Seungkwan in his big brown eyes and noticed his red cheeks at the same glance. It made Hansol wonder why he was all flushed, but didn't have enough time to examine his face when the older boy turned his body so that Hansol ended up facing Seungkwan's back. They were now laying on their left sides. "I know. You'll regret this in the morning though." Seungkwan said with a purposeful tone. Hansol just grinned and let his head find a comfortable spot to lay on.

Seungkwan's heart was beating so fast. Hansol had his chest pressed to Seungkwan's back and Seungkwan was so glad he wasn't facing him. He felt the warmth build up inside him even though it wasn't that hot in the room. He kept imagining if Hansol ends up resting his right hand over Seungkwan to his chest, he would lose it. They didn't talk anymore. For them, silence wasn't anything uncomfortable. And weariness had already reached them. Hansol fell asleep after just a little while followed by the older boy in front of him. 

 

And after a couple hours Hansol had rolled his arm over Seungkwan and his fingers touching his neck, in his sleep.


	3. lovey dovey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan finally gets the burden off of his shoulders and Mingyu tells him something he would've never expected.

The first thing Seungkwan noticed in the morning was his best friend's arm over his body. _He actually did it._ Hansol's fingers were softly brushing Seungkwan's neck and the older didn't know how to move away from it. Or if he even wanted to. Hansol's hold felt comfortable. This isn't anything new for them but Seungkwan was frozen. He will have to wait until the brunette wakes up and makes the first move to remove his arm off of Seungkwan.

Seungkwan was the overthinker type. He started to hate how everything has changed from his point of view between him and Hansol. He didn't want all of their physical contact to have an extremely big impact on him as if things were suddenly different from before. He didn't want to overanalyze all the words, faces and moves Hansol brought in because that would only make him more nervous around his dear friend. It's funny, all of their fans have noticed how much Seungkwan likes to touch Hansol's thighs, stroke his ears gently and cling onto him constantly. He could remember how Hansol used to act clingy back in their trainee days too. Suddenly he changed, leaving it all behind.

His mind was highly conflicted. He still dares to do all of it to Hansol but can his heart take it? To others it looks like he's confident about his acts, and most of the time he definitely is. Although there's always a little bit of insecurity underneath all that. He is scared, frightened about what would happen if it all gets ruined. Unfortunately you cannot help your feelings, that's the truth. Seungkwan wouldn't lie if he said he hated this. 

He didn't hate his feelings for Hansol, to be exact. He just hated the fact that he will never be the lucky boy to receive the same feelings from his crush. And he had to tell someone, choosing Soonyoung. Today, maybe.

Luckily it didn't take the younger too long to finally move his head around the pillow and mumble quiet words that Seungkwan couldn't understand. The sun was shining through the closed blinds making enough light for the two of them to see. 

"Good morning." Seungkwan broke the silence with his raspy morning voice that happened to sound more cracked than expected. 

Hansol had covered his face with their shared blanket but Seungkwan could hear a quiet "Morning." behind him coming from the younger boy. He had only now realized that his arm was tightly around Seungkwan. He attempted to remove it smoothly without the older boy totally noticing. Of course Seungkwan noticed it though. Now the older got the chills, his body perhaps missing Hansol's warmth. They were still quite close to each other but consciously kept the so called 'friendship gap' between them. 

"It's kinda cold here. Has someone turned off the air conditioner?" Seungkwan talked again. He decided to roll over to face Hansol. Now that he was thinking about the situation, it seemed like something only couples have. When you wake up next to your partner on a sunny morning, a freaking hand over your chest holding you tight. Oh how Seungkwan wished that was them. Except it was. But they weren't in a relationship. 

Hansol didn't reply.  _This sleepyhead, I swear..._  

 

Seungkwan could hear someone walk into the lounge. He didn't know if it's better to stay where he is, laying next to Hansol, or stand up to sit. Not that there's anything weird with the fact that they're sleeping together. The other members know they're best friends and Seungkwan is often clingy with the other but somehow this situation could give some other signs to the person coming into the room. After a few seconds he ended up staying where he is and pretended to be asleep.

"Oh Seungkwan and Hansol are sleeping on the couch!" It was Jihoon. He was talking to Seungcheol and Jeonghan who followed the shorter boy into the lounge. Seungkwan could hear Seungcheol whisper "That's cute." into Jeonghan's ear but even Jihoon could hear it.

"Can they not be so lovey dovey at the dorm, ugh." Jihoon continued.  _LOVEY DOVEY? When?_ Seungkwan thought. He wanted to yell at his mates for saying something like that but he can't just suddenly stand up. He was supposed to be asleep after all. 

"Let them be, Jihoon. At least there's something to tease them about." Jeonghan finally said with a smirk, a little chuckle coming out of his mouth after. Seungkwan blushed. Thankfully his face wasn't seen from where the older guys were standing. That would expose him completely. He still wanted to get up and tell the boys to shut their mouths. What if Hansol was secretly awake too and heard all of this? 

Shortly after, the rest of the members arrived one by one to the kitchen and lounge area and prepared breakfast for themselves. They always gathered around the kitchen table to enjoy the first meal of the day and share details about their weird dreams and sleeping habits. Even though they've lived at the dorm together for years and knew each other better than anyone outside the group, they could always come up with new things to talk about. It's incredible how all thirteen of them could get along so well.  

 _Now this is awkward._ Seungkwan didn't know if he should get up or not. Usually he wouldn't contemplate between options and just do what's easiest, but this time he just had no idea what to do. The boy next to him was still sleeping. And he was still facing him. He could smell his body odor, it was quite strong. Familiar, manly but sweet. Seungkwan wanted to drown into a pool filled with that smell. 

"Hey lovers, will you ever get up?" Soonyoung yelled from the kitchen and Seungkwan knew he was talking to him and Hansol. Even though the word "lovers" didn't really describe them.

Hansol finally moved in his place and opened his eyes. He looked at Seungkwan who kept his eyes shut.

"Hey I think we should get up." Hansol spoke out. He could see Seungkwan pretending to look tired. "Were you up all this time?" He continued after noticing his friend's acts.

"Uhh, no I wasn't?" Seungkwan lied. Hansol just hummed and removed the blanket from his body to climb over Seungkwan and head towards the bathroom, waving good morning to the members. The blonde stayed on the couch for a while but got up and walked to greet his dear bandmates. They all went silent, except for Soonyoung and Seokmin who were watching a video on his phone together. Somehow they all paid unexpectedly much attention to the Jeju boy who looked like he's been awake for a long time already. They all seemed curious about something Seungkwan had no idea of. If it's about the fact that the two boys shared a couch, Seungkwan swore that would be the dumbest thing. They all share beds sometimes? Why is this anything out of the ordinary?

"What is it? Does my hair look bad?" Seungkwan asked, asking the first thing that came to his mind. He glared at Jeonghan who couldn't keep a straight face alongside the giggly Seungcheol next to him.

"Let me tell you, my boy, you've got some things to find out." Joshua suddenly said, joining the two laughing boys next to him. They knew something. Seungkwan's began to get mad. He gets so annoyed whenever his oldest mates are hiding things from him. It feels like they've taken Seungkwan as their target when they want to make fun of something. And this time everybody else were in this too. He looked at each of the members in their faces, finding out all of the boys decided not to say 'the thing' out loud. On the other side of the table Mingyu felt bad for his dear friend and called the boy over to him. "I'll tell you what they mean later, maybe now is not the time. Not that it's that huge of a deal, but-" Seungkwan cut him off with an angry sounding "Alright then." The boy was impatient but he tried to think of all the possible things that this may have been about. At that moment Hansol came out of the bathroom, looking like he has actually put some effort into his looks. He always looked pretty, according to Seungkwan, but this seemed a tad odd. He had fixed his hair, washed his face and the boy over all looked good. Seungkwan didn't want to stare for too long when Hansol walked towards the other boys and ended up standing between Minghao and Chan. 

Suddenly everyone acted normal again. Before the atmosphere started to fill with awkwardness, Soonyoung opened his mouth to inform the members about the day's schedule. They'd have to practice for next week so they'll show their best through the upcoming performance. Luckily they've had a couple big performances recently so it's nothing new for them. Either way, they're hardworking and will always want to surprise their audience. Which they manage to achieve. 

 

\--- 

 

There was loud panting heard from the practice room as the song stopped and they were finally done with their practice. Satisfied and finished, all of them clapped and then high fived each other. 

"Hey, everyone!" Seungcheol raised his voice. "Shall we go eat outside? I'm starving and since we're finished for today, I think we deserve it." Everyone nodded excitedly in sync and grabbed their stuff from the corner of the room as they made their way out of the place. Seungkwan instead walked over to Soonyoung who was doing something with the music player and writing something down on his notebook. He wanted to ask him to talk about  _the thing_. 

"Hey, uhh... could we possibly talk later today? When we're back from the restaurant maybe?" The younger said, looking very nervous. To Soonyoung that was something remarkable. If Seungkwan looks nervous, there has to be something really serious happening. There isn't really anything big coming except from the performance, but Seungkwan isn't usually this nervous about any performance. He's very confident on stage. 

Without thinking too deeply into it, Soonyoung replied almost immediately. "Yes of course Seungkwan! Are you okay? You didn't make any mistakes today though so I was assuming you're alright, but obviously I-"

"No I'm okay, don't worry. I just need your help with something, or... actually someone who listens." Seungkwan looked down on his feet as Soonyoung got closer to him and patted him on the shoulder.

"I'm always here to listen, Seungkwannie! Let's talk later!" He smiled and hugged the shorter boy from the side, smiling brightly and swinged a little in it, like he always does with everyone he's close with. Seungkwan was thankful he could always rely on his friends. They decided to leave the practice room as well, turning off the lights and shutting the door.

 

\---

 

Jeonghan had recommended a new Italian restaurant quite nearby and everyone thought it'd be worth testing out so they ended up there, ordering delicious-looking meals and even enjoying some wine with it. Now that Chan wasn't a minor anymore, they could all, without guilty conscience, consume some alcohol with the youngest member. Chan and Seungcheol ordered beer, though, complaining about how wine tastes like wet socks. Leaving others wondering if they've tasted wet socks often. 

After two hours of silly bantering, laughing and sharing childhood stories, it got near closing time. They were also pretty sure they had pissed everyone else off at the restaurant, including the staff, when they got tipsy and a bit louder than normal. And they were loud even without alcohol. Being polite after all, Soonyoung, Junhui and Minghao decided to walk over to every table and apologize for their loudness. Luckily no one seemed to mind too much. They paid the check and got ready to leave.

"I want to stop by the convenience store on the way back to the dorm, I need juice." Seokmin whined, clearly tipsy and clinging onto Joshua. 

"I'm in!" Soonyoung shouted like he had planned it beforehand. Seungkwan, having drank a bit too much wine and now wobbling around a little, wanted to join his friends. He was craving milk. He didn't even drink milk but he needed it now. 

"I'm coming too!" Seungkwan laughed and turned to Hansol, who was suddenly standing next to him. Hansol placed his hand on Seungkwan's shoulder and grinned at him. Without even thinking, Seungkwan asked the younger to come with them.

"Oh, sure." Hansol answered, not sounding very excited but that's how he is. He hasn't drank as much as the rest of the group. Seungkwan smiled at his answer and hugged him lightly. 

 

The distance from the restaurant to convenience store wasn't long at all but the alcohol in their bloods made it seem much longer. Seokmin danced his way forward while listening to his favorite girl group song, looking ridiculous because he was definitely drunk. Not even tipsy, drunk. The rest of the boys laughed their stomachs sore and almost stumbled on the ground trying to hold onto each other. The road was quite calm and not full of people to see them so they didn't really have anything to worry about. When they finally arrived to the store, they challenged themselves to act normal and keep themselves from laughing. "The first one to crack up or even giggle a tiny bit will pay for all!" Seokmin said. 

For Hansol it wasn't too hard, being almost sober by now. Seungkwan had a hard time keeping his mouth shut when Soonyoung tried to make him laugh by imitating an elephant. Hansol just smiled genuinely at the two sweet boys, admiring how they would always have so much fun together. After a while they all calmed down to finally choose what to buy. Seokmin rushed to the juice section, grabbed his favorite orange juice and placed it in the cart. Seungkwan and Hansol found their way to the other drinks. Seungkwan was about to put a milk bottle in their cart when Hansol opened his mouth.

"Wait, Seungkwan. You suddenly drink milk?" He said with a certain confused look. 

"I'm really craving it at the moment. Why do you care so much?" The older answered, chuckling a little when he noticed his friend's concerned expression. It's not a big deal. Why was he so interested.

"I thought you get stomach ache from it..." Hansol looked worried now. Seungkwan just nodded leaving Hansol even more confused. He did get a slight stomach ache from milk sometimes but he was really craving it now. Being drunk and craving something desperately can be a bad mix, especially when you tend to not care if it has bad consequences. 

"I don't care now. I want it." The older boy added, sounding like a little child. Hansol decided to let it be but gave Seungkwan a look that he was still a bit worried about where this was going. Suddenly they both heard a loud chuckle from the pastry section. Seokmin. He had lost the challenge. They walked fast over to Soonyoung and Seokmin who were now laying on the floor laughing.

"Who laughed first?" Hansol asked curiously. Soonyoung just pointed at Seokmin who had covered his head with the hood of his jacket, probably embarrassed. 

"Can you believe he was the one who invented the whole challenge and he lost! Dokyeom you failure!" Seungkwan yelled at the older boy pretending to sound like an angry and disappointed father. They were all laughing again now.

 

 

"Hello everyone, we're back home!" Soonyoung greeted the members who had already been at the dorm for quite a while. "We've got juice and snacks." Seungkwan decided to add, finally caught the members' attention and Junhui rushed over to grab some wine gums Seungkwan had taken just for him. He knows how much the boy loves them. 

"How considerate of you Kwannie, thanks." the Chinese boy said after opening the bag and shoving a couple wine gums into his mouth. He walked to the kitchen counter to meet Minghao and tease him with the snack bag. Minghao tried to grab it from Junhui's hand but the older was faster and moved the rustling bag around the annoyed boy. They kept doing that until Junhui ran to the bathroom, Minghao following him and closing the door. _What the-_

Soonyoung had already managed to tell the boys the whole story about how Seokmin challenged them but lost it first himself. The others found it pretty brilliant and pointed at the embarrassed Seokmin who kept pretending nothing happened. Seungkwan had made his way next to Soonyoung, remembering how they had planned to discuss about a  _certain thing._ They had all sobered up enough to have a normal conversation and Seungkwan was ready to open his mouth and ask about it when the dark haired started to speak.

"So, when are we going to talk?" 

 _Did Seungkwan and Soonyoung share the same mind?_ "Now, maybe? I was literally going to ask you the same." the younger replied. Soonyoung just grabbed his hand and walked to one of their bedrooms. On their way, Seungkwan saw Hansol staring at the two of them with a blank face. _He has no idea._ Noticing how messy the bedroom was and how it might not be the best place to talk about something private, Seungkwan suggested they'd go to the practice room. There was a couch to sit on, anyway. 

 

 

When they arrived to the practice room, both of them were quiet. That wasn't normal for them, to be honest. Soonyoung was just too scared to ruin the moment by throwing his silly jokes at the younger boy who might have something really serious to say. They got comfortable on the couch and Soonyoung gave Seungkwan a little too worried look.

"What's the matter?" He simply said. Seungkwan didn't care about keeping anything from Soonyoung and chose to tell the dark haired male everything. 

Seungkwan started from the very beginning of their trainee days to this very day and how his feelings have developed throughout time. He told how much he cares about Hansol and how much he would love to hold his hand and kiss him on the lips. How he loves the fact that Hansol takes so much care of him even though he's younger and shyer. Seungkwan feels like he's supposed to be the one responsible for the brunette's worries, not the other way around. He had never said these things out loud to anyone. He didn't even dare to think about all that because even those thoughts of kissing made him feel guilty. He even questioned to the boy listening how come he felt such extreme guilt for having feelings for his best friend. Soonyoung just nodded after every short story Seungkwan brought in and let him speak until he had completely emptied his mind. 

Then there was silence. Not an awkward or uncomfortable silence, because they never had that. But for over twenty seconds they were silent.  _Okay this is getting weird, what are we doing._

 

"Seungkwan." Soonyoung started. He gasped and Seungkwan didn't know what was coming. _Is he going to tell me to forget about it and move on?_

"Have you ever noticed how much he adores you? I know you're not there to see how much he looks at you when you speak. During interviews, meetings, anything. He can't take his eyes off you, even when you're not the one talking. Trust me, I notice things. To be completely honest, we sometimes talk about it with Jeonghan."

The older boy found the words to say as if he had practiced this. He always knew what to say. "Remember when he was told to talk about his life and he ended up talking about how talented you are? How amazed he is by your voice? According to my calculations... he definitely feels something back. He might not be the type of person to put it all out there, we all know that Seungkwan. He is shy. And he probably has no idea about what you just told me. I'm sure he's scared about his feelings too. That's why he probably stopped the skinship, to prevent everything from being ruined between you two. But when he's noticed you being clingy, he doesn't know how to react." 

What Seungkwan just heard was definitely not what he expected. Far from it. He was so ready to start crying. He was so overwhelmed by everything even more than before. What should he do now? What should he even answer to that? Seungkwan never had problems with words but now he was speechless.

"How do you know all this? Are you sure? Because I do not want to live in the thought that my best friend might like me back and suddenly it's all ruined when I make the move." Seungkwan said after a while of thinking.

"It's obvious, Seungkwan. It's SO obvious. All of us know it. All of us see it. If I were you, I would make the move because you don't really have anything to be worried about. Except for one thing." The dark haired pointed out, now being completely serious.

"What?"

"We're idols and if anybody finds out, it's going to change a lot of things. I'm sure the members wouldn't mind, they would be very happy for you. Surely our staff wouldn't care, but the general image is what matters in this industry. We're allowed to date of course, but since there are... you know... things... that may not be as acceptable in this country, it must be hidden." Soonyoung said carefully. 

Seungkwan understood. He knew all this. It was kind of unfair but he also didn't even know if he'd like to put anything out there in the first place. He simply nodded yes to Soonyoung and smiled a little. The older gave a big smile back. "It really sucks sometimes though... you know... liking a person of same sex. Because I'm scared I won't be accepted." The blonde said.

"Yup, Seungkwan. It's unfair and I wish it wasn't like that. Don't be upset now, though. Your boy is attracted to you back. Don't pay attention to anything negative now." Soonyoung encouraged.

"Thank you for listening to me. You really are the best." Seungkwan said and moved closer to Soonyoung who already his arms open for a hug. He was so relieved that he shed a couple tears that ran fast over his cheeks. 

"Whatever there is, you can always tell me about it." Soonyoung replied, hugging the smaller boy tightly and then pulled out of it and got ready to leave the practice room. Seungkwan followed him and there it was. He had said it. He really said all that out loud to his friend. He wasn't alone with this anymore.

 

Then he remembered, Mingyu has got a thing to tell him.  _How could I forget???_

 

Back at the dorm again, Seungkwan didn't wait a single second when he took off his shoes and started looking for the tall boy. It didn't take him too long when he saw two dark haired boys sitting on the couch in the living room, arms wrapped around each other while watching a video on a phone. _Mingyu and Wonwoo_. No one else was there to witness this cute sight. The others were probably in their beds already since it was quite late. Seungkwan joined them and sat on Mingyu's lap and tilted his head to see what they were watching. A gaming video. Wonwoo looked really focused on the screen. Video games were his passion. 

"Mingyu, you've got something to tell me..." Seungkwan said, not scared about ruining their moment. This was important. The boys didn't seem to mind though. Mingyu didn't answer but he released his hold from Wonwoo and told him "I'll be back in a second." and got an understanding look from the older boy. He walked to the bathroom and Seungkwan followed him. That was the only private place for now. 

 

\--- 

 

"WHAT?! You're kidding, Mingyu. Please. Don't lie to me. This is not funny!" Seungkwan panicked and was ready to leave the bathroom immediately. He couldn't believe what the tall boy just told him. 

No wonder why everyone acted so strange in the morning while sipping their morning coffees. According to Mingyu, everyone had seen how Hansol had a hard-on bulge in his pants after he got up from the couch. Hansol didn't act conscious, though. He just walked to the bathroom, said good morning to the others and apparently didn't really mind that his member had grown to a boner. 

"Yeah! Can you believe that? What did you guys do in there?" 

"Nothing, we just slept!? I couldn't notice it myself, not that we were touching that much anyway. I just... wow. I never would've thought." Seungkwan looked at his reflection from the bathroom mirror, fixing his hair and turned back to Mingyu who had sat on the toilet and crossed his arms. He had a strange smirk on his face and kept chuckling when remembering the incident. 

"Sure. Mr. Chwe probably had some other  _thoughts_ then." Mingyu poked Seungkwan's tummy which made him yell at the other. They got out of the bathroom and Seungkwan really, REALLY, needed to find his journal now.

 

_"Dear diary._

 

 

_... HANSOLIE HAD A BONER BECAUSE OF ME?!?!? I swear if Mingyu lied I'm going to kick his ass. Anyway, yes, we slept on the same couch. He asked me to join him? I don't think it was awkward but I definitely didn't know how to feel when he put his arm around me and his... fingers were touching my neck. MY NECK IS SENSITIVE. HE'S AWARE OF THAT._

_Will I ever get over this? Probably not. Definitely not when I finally got to open up about all this to Soonyoung. He's so great. He told me how all of this will most likely work out. Now I just really have to think about how to make a move. I'm not as scared about this now since I have some kind of clue about all of it. It's not confirmed though, of course lol. But I feel relieved and thankful._

_Good night diary, I'll dream about Hansol! (But I won't wake up with a boner)"_


	4. secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hansol found Seungkwan's diary and finds out his secret.

The day Hansol Vernon Chwe realized he is completely whipped for his best friend was an interesting one. That day, or night to be exact, the members had gathered around the couch in the living room to spend some ’quality time’, as Soonyoung said, together. They had decided to watch a movie but couldn’t come up with one that none of them had seen before, which led them to a silly, benign argument mainly between Seungcheol and Wonwoo but ended with laughs and playful fights. While everyone stared at the two children arguing, Hansol moved his stare at Seungkwan. He saw the joy in the older boy’s big brown eyes, happiness in his wide smile that lifted his cheeks up beautifully and Hansol knew he thought too deeply into it but he really liked the way his best friend leaned on his shoulder and turned to him with a ”can you believe these dorks” look on his face.

At that moment he thought of kissing him. He thought what would happen if he just leaned in and connected his lips with the shorter blonde. How would Seungkwan react? How would Hansol himself react? Why did he even think about this? So many questions ran through Hansol's confused mind.

It wasn't the first time he saw the image in his head, though. In fact, he thought of it many times before the group's debut. They were always close with Seungkwan from the beginning and he didn't even have enough time to process his feelings until he realized he was crushing on that cute boy who became his best friend. He had tried to forget about his feelings towards Seungkwan and focus on work instead, thinking it would just distract him if he kept imagining something between them. Every once in a while he stopped to realize it was impossible for him to let his feelings go. They were too close. So close Hansol didn't know what to do with him. If he made a move, it could cause something he would regret forever. Seungkwan was alongside the other members, one of the most important people in his life. Even though he knew his best friend would never in a million years leave him after a small confession, Hansol was still afraid, not knowing exactly why. Being in love and trying to think straight don’t really work out so easily.

 

Hansol could swear Seungkwan had no idea what he went through in his head. He just kept being clingy with Hansol and thinking he wouldn't mind that much. Hansol was never the type of person to talk about his feelings out loud so nobody knew what he was thinking. He didn’t mind, though.

 

— 

It had been a week since one of the most embarrassing things happened to Hansol. He couldn't forget the concerned faces of his bandmates who just witnessed the clearly visible bulge in his pants after getting up from the couch he and Seungkwan shared the previous night. He would do anything to erase those 15 seconds of his life because he could bet over his dead body someone must had told Seungkwan about it. Those dorks cannot keep their mouths shut about things like that. Gladly, Seungkwan didn’t look very aware, nor did he act differently with Hansol. He is good at pretending, nonetheless.

 

Hansol was sitting on the slightly uncomfortable and spent couch in their practice room, listening to his favorite playlist and trying to find some inspiration. He wanted to be in peace, away from all the other members, mostly because they would only distract him but also because he sometimes felt really done being with 12 other young males literally around the clock. He was the kind of person who constantly needs some time just on his own. Unlike Seokmin and Seungkwan who keep clinging onto everybody and not seeming to want any alone time at all. He always questions how they do it and wishes he could have it as easy and carefree. He could imagine those two hanging out in the lounge at this very moment being the energetic and happy selves they are. Hansol smiled to himself.

 

After a while his head got filled with new, random ideas for songwriting. He moved to reach for his little tote bag on the floor, about to grab his notebook and a pen to write down his thoughts. To Hansol’s surprise, he didn’t find his notes. No notebook, no pen.

Maybe he had left them here in the practice room earlier this week. He got up from the couch lazily and made his way to the front of the room where they keep their microphones, notebooks and papers filled with choreography drafts, lyrics, notes and other information in a neatly organized shelf. Hansol didn’t remember leaving his stuff in there but he wouldn’t lose anything by just quickly checking them through.

He found a familiar looking white notebook, just like his own. _I swear if this is mine_ , he thought. He grabbed the notebook squeezed between the other colorful papers and notebooks and already walked back to the couch, before even checking if the notebook is actually his.

 

Hansol opened the white notebook carefully. It might not be his, after all. Turned out it wasn’t.

 

 

”Belongs to Seungkwan! Do Not Touch! (not that anyone else will see this anyway)” said the text on the very first page. _So this is… a journal? Seungkwan’s journal?_

Hansol had his eyes wide open in a tad shock. He didn’t have an idea what this notebook would contain. He didn’t even think about it much until he felt absolute guilt for now holding someone else’s personal book. He’d lie if he said he wasn’t tempted to take a little peek of his best friend’s texts, though. _I wonder if he’s written about me._ If Hansol only knew…

 

Obviously no one was around. Everyone was hanging out at the dorm and they probably wouldn’t even notice the absent brunette in the practice room, not that they even needed him at the moment. It was safe. What he was worried about was what if Seungkwan suddenly came in and caught him. He decided to not care when all the curiousity finally led him to turn the page and look at the long text written in his best friend’s pretty handwriting.

 

He saw his name.

 

_”So.. this crush. He makes me go crazy. He is so pretty. Oh how I wish it wasn’t so complicated… Me and Hansol..”_

 

_WAIT WHAT???_

 

_”…are best friends and it would ruin EVERYTHING if I suddenly made some moves on him.”_

 

_”He likes girls only.”_

 

_”He has never talked to me about boys. I'm sure if he was attracted to boys too he would've told me, right? We are best friends.”_

 

Hansol could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his breathing becoming three times heavier. Is this real? Is he just making this just to fuck with someone?

 

”First of all, I don’t like girls only.” He said out loud with a rather frustrated tone, staring at the word ’girls’ in Seungkwan’s handwriting. He usually didn’t talk to himself when he was alone but neither did he get to read this type of confessions often. Or ever. He was now completely in shock. All this time they’ve had a crush on each other.

Hansol felt dumb. All the years he tried to forget about his feelings, he had someone crushing on him, the exact same person he tried to forget his romantic feelings for. Could this be possible? Could Hansol and Seungkwan be possible?

He had a million thoughts running in his head. How the fuck is he going to act normal now? He now knew the one he wanted to cuddle, the one he wanted to kiss, the one he had a goddamn boner from, liked him back. Out of all the people in the world, all the beautiful fellow idols he had acquainted, all the other members of Seventeen, he liked Hansol. HE LIKED HANSOL BACK.

 

He didn’t need to read more. Even if he could’ve just turned the page and get more of it, he knew it would be bad. He knew he already did the bad thing by reading Seungkwan’s journal without his permission. The absolute guilt never cleared from his head. After a silent moment of just Hansol looking at the same page, he decided to go back to the shelf and put the notebook back the way it was. He will pretend he didn’t see anything. Of course he can pretend nothing happened,

 

 

 

right?


	5. realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan realizes his feelings might not be one sided.

_WHERE THE HECK IS MY JOURNAL?! I swear if the members have found it and read it, I'm going to die. I know I should've bought one with a lock..._ Seungkwan panicked.

 

Seungkwan was tense. He didn’t have a single idea when was the last time he wrote on his journal. They had had quite a busy week. Now that he had a while, he urged to turn his thoughts into words in his dear diary once again. Also, the walks with Hansol are becoming something he wants to talk about. So, there were definitely things he needed to let out. But how could he do anything if he doesn’t know where in the world his goddamn notebook was?

 

He walked around the dorm, trying not to look frantic while his bandmates were peacefully watching TV. He checked every shelf, every pile of papers, under his pillow and sheets. Everywhere. But it was nowhere to be found. It didn’t take too long for none else but Jihoon to notice a sudden worry in Seungkwan’s face and he decided to question the situation.

”What are you looking for?” He asked with a concerned look. Seungkwan turned to him but immediately faced away when he felt his cheeks getting red. Jihoon seemed to notice all of it, though. When does he not?

”I… uhh… have lost my notebook. It has all the drafts of my… drawings.” The younger replied hurriedly. He already knew the black haired boy would not believe him after the amount of stuttering Seungkwan just let out of his mouth, but he decided to act like there’s nothing. Why does this journal cause him so much fluster.

”Ah, alright… Well, if you mind telling me how it looks like, I can try to look for it in the practice room, I’m going there right now.”

”Oh yeah, practice room!” Seungkwan hit himself in the head. How come he didn't realize it earlier. ”Maybe I’ll just join you and try to find for myself.” Seungkwan was now pretty sure Jihoon had got it, this wasn’t just another notebook. The shorter just nodded and walked out of the room, followed by the blonde.

 

He indeed did find his journal from the practice room. He wondered if anyone had touched it. Soonyoung had his own notebooks so why would he decide to take one that clearly isn’t his? But obviously Soonyoung seeing his writings would be the least dangerous case scenario since he already knows about Seungkwan’s feelings towards Hansol. And somehow Seungkwan trusts him the most now.

 

He rushed out of the practice room all the way back to their dorm and he went straight to his bedroom, closed the door and looked for his pen.

 

_”Dear diary,_

_  
_

_I don’t really know what’s going on. Everyone has acted so weird lately. Or maybe it’s just me overthinking. We gather around to talk with the whole group almost every evening, after all? Yes, it’s just me then. Perhaps by ”everyone” I just meant Hansol. (He is everyone.) Something’s definitely up with him and as much as I try to get it out of him, he’s sneaky and doesn’t seem to understand anything._

_Does he keep secrets from me? He has just acted different lately. He helped me with laundry and he even made breakfast for me one morning! What kind of Hansol is that? I am usually the one taking care of him, not the other way around. He is definitely stealing my role in this friendship._

_Obviously I don’t complain. He is the loveliest person I know. He has a good heart. And I… would say that I love him. Oh wow I actually wrote that on the paper._

 

_Of course I love him he is my best friend. Duh._

 

_By the way, we went for a walk yesterday and he. couldn’t stop GIGGLING at the things I said. That is the strangest Hansol Vernon ever. I didn’t dare to ask and just ruin his fun._

_Anyway, there really is something going on and I don’t know who in this goddamn house wants to make fun of me. Am I being paranoid?_

_  
_

_(I feel like I’m still not used to talking to myself like this but I find it really great to just open up like this. Thank you, journal. Or thank myself…)”_

 

After spilling all his thoughts on the blank white paper, he decided he was finished and closed the notebook. This time he put it underneath his pillow and reminded himself to NEVER take it outside the this room. He can’t take the risk that someone might find it.

 

Only if Seungkwan knew it had happened already.

 

Which is exactly the reason why his dear best friend acts strange.

 

 

The next month was going to be extremely packed for the group. Seungkwan knew he would not have time to properly do anything else but train, train, record, train, record. 

Seventeen was going to have a comeback. They all knew it was quite a sudden offer from their management to have a comeback so quickly after just releasing a full album two months ago, but they took it. They wanted it and were ready to work hard for it. 

So, time passed really fast, even when days felt long for Seungkwan. Lots of training and performances almost made a routine for him. 

 

 

Their comeback finally came. Seungkwan got his hair dyed dark brown, just like he had wanted it for a long time. Oh boy was he satisfied and feeling good about the comeback. Despite the large amount of time they had spent training and practicing, he was still in a good mood. He loves his job. He loves Seventeen. He is happy.

 

_”Sweet diary (dear diary sounds boring to me!),_

 

_I really don’t have any proper reason to write here now but I’m really happy. I’m just so grateful for… all of this! I think about these things a lot and how much I’ve got. How did I deserve this life? How did I deserve these people around me? The members make me so happy. And especially Hansol. This sounds like I only think about him. I don't only think about him. Even though I talk about him in every text. Now that I mentioned this, I actually have something to vent about him…_

 

_It’s his birthday next week. As well as Seokmin’s. I want to buy them nice presents and I have some neat ideas but birthdays make me really nervous. I want to make them happy but I don't know if I can do enough. I remember when I kissed Hansol on the cheek on his birthday last year. In front of all Carats! It was the one rare time I actually dared to do something like that to him._

_It’s funny how I dared to do all that back then. I did like him, I’ve always liked him. But my feelings got so much deeper and more serious later. I really don’t know what got to me. I just really like him, okay._

 

_I hope he likes my present.”_

 

————

 

 

 

Vernon and Seokmin’s birthday. Seungkwan wasn’t ready. 

 

He had bought the nicest gift for Seokmin. The older had been into books lately so Seungkwan thought he'd give him the newest release by the author he's mentioned a couple times before. He also bought him matching t-shirts that they could wear at the same time. And the younger absolutely did not forget to buy Seokmin’s favorite snacks. The older almost cried from happiness after the gifts he received from the members, being so ridiculously thankful for everything. He hugged each of them in their nice circle that they had gathered to form in the lounge. While everyone was busy with Seokmin and Hansol, Seungkwan got up to grab the present he had prepared for his best friend.

 

What he had planned for Hansol was quite special. He didn’t want to give him books or snacks. Not that there is anything wrong with books or snacks, Hansol would love those. Seungkwan was sure Hansol would like anything he gave him anyway but obviously the older wanted to do something else. Something Hansol would appreciate so much. Just when all the boys had given their gifts, Hansol eyed Seungkwan, looking like he had actual question marks popping over his head when he noticed the neatly wrapped present. It definitely looked like something Seungkwan would do.

Seungkwan's heart started beating real fast, it scared him a little. He decided it will not distract him right now and the boy just quietly mouthed _I have stuff for you, let’s go_ , and turned to walk towards one of the bedrooms. Seungkwan held Hansol’s present carefully as if it got damaged by touching it. He was totally nervous.

 

This was kind of a bold move from Seungkwan. He didn’t actually know what made him so nervous. This is not exactly a big deal after all, why would Seungkwan feel like his heart is about to explode? Well, it’s now going to be obvious to Hansol how special he is to Seungkwan. What if he doesn’t like this? Even worse, what if he doesn’t like the present?

 

When Seungkwan finally handed his present to Hansol, the younger boy's whole face lit up. He could see the delight in the boy's sparkling eyes. He looked so happy, and he hadn't even opened the present yet. 

The expression he just previously wore on his face was nothing compared to the one he had when he finally figured out what his best friend gave to him. Seungkwan bought him new headphones. HEADPHONES. Not just average ones. These were pricey. The ones that Hansol once said he would love to get but never did. Hansol listens to music all the time, these were really useful. Music is Hansol's greatest passion. This present wasn't anything he expected though. Not that he had actually expected anything huge from Seungkwan, as humble as he is.

Seungkwan was never the person to buy expensive gifts, he liked to offer a coffee and sometimes even meals and things like that, but when it came to something really pricey, that was a no from the boy. So, for a short moment, there was a slight guilt building on Hansol's mind. 

"Seungkwan! You really didn't have to do this. I was literally going to buy them next week. I can give the money-" 

"No, Hansol. I gave them to you. It's a present, you dumb." Seungkwan laughed and Hansol's eyes moved from looking at his brand new headphones to the older boy. He looked satisfied with Hansol’s reaction. ”I won't accept your payment, you humble kid. It's a _birthday present_." Hansol felt soft inside when Seungkwan said 'birthday present' in English. The older patted his friend on the shoulder gently.

"You might want to check the little card inside the box by the way... I drew it myself. I know it's nothing since I suck at drawing but... yeah..." Seungkwan kept talking as he noticed Hansol suddenly had his mouth open like an O, as if he couldn't take in another surprise. He saw a white card, the front page filled with beautifully drawn red and pink roses. He opened the card. He closed his eyes and sighed and immediately turned to Seungkwan with a gentle smile. Seungkwan thought Hansol looked like he was about to tear up. Seungkwan had ordered a customized keychain that had a picture of Hansol and him, together from pre-debut days. A picture where Hansol carries Seungkwan piggyback. Hansol’s mouth hurt from smiling so wide.

 

”T-thank you. Seungkwan. Thank you so much!” He closed the card and took a longer look at the roses Seungkwan had drawn, _for him_.

”Do you like it? You better do.” Seungkwan acted serious now, pouting a little. Hansol chuckled and moved closer to him. Seungkwan’s already pounding heart was about to jump out of his chest. He could feel every single pound hard. _Calm the heck down, Seungkwan_. Hansol carefully wrapped his arms around the shorter. It felt like he was transfering his thankfulness into Seungkwan through the hug. It was really tight. What if Hansol heard, or felt his heartbeat?

 

”Of course I do, Kwannie.”

 

He could feel it.

 

Hansol could feel everything. As if his heart wasn’t beating fast enough, this made it even worse. Being conscious about it made him freeze. And he could bet he felt his best friend’s heartbeat too. 

 

It didn’t take Seungkwan long to realize what kind of situation they were in.

Now they both knew what this meant. Or did they? Would they be oblivious?

 

 

 

_"HE LIKED THE PRESENT. AND THATS NOT ALL. I have things to write down tomorrow."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself for not updating more often but I've been really stressed lately. Sorry about that!  
> Thank you for reading :)


	6. blush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They share the hotel room in Japan. Seungkwan is having a quite hard time.

_“Dear notebook where I happen to write deep stuff about my best friend Hansol,_

 

_we just got to Japan and they put me and him in the same hotel room. (He is in shower so I can write in peace.) It’s not that I’m complaining, it's just different to share a room with him, since I’m usually either with Seokmin or Mingyu. Hansol shares his with Jihoon every time. Now we’re here and I may or may not be nervous as heck. It’s so ridiculous of me to be like this but what can I do?_

_He’s probably going to come out of the bathroom soon only wearing a towel and I will most likely have a hard time keeping my eyes off of him._

_Anyways, next couple of weeks will be quite busy here in Japan. I’m very excited to be here though, Japan always puts me in a good mood for some reason. Whether it’s the…”_

 

 

For so many times, Seungkwan’s diary notes were left unfinished. Either some of the members interrupted him when he was on a long vent about his emotions or the boy stayed up too late in his bed writing and fell asleep. 

This time he was interrupted by who else but his roommate who indeed only wore a towel and another one hanging on his shoulder. Only if Seungkwan could (or dared), he'd push the boy onto the bed and cuddle the hell out of him, maybe even leave a couple pecks on his cheeks. But no. Seungkwan tried to keep it cool. 

 

“How was the shower?” He said and immediately regretted being an absolute awkward mess. He did not have to ask how his shower was, for frick’s sake.

“Good, I left the floor wet so don’t slip while going in there.” The younger didn’t see the awkwardness in Seungkwan and he was more than grateful for that. 

“You secretly want me to slip though?” Seungkwan asked and walked into the bathroom, pretending to slip and Hansol let out a little laugh. _Cute._

“Nah, not this time.” Hansol kept laughing. 

 

Now that all the emotions and feelings running through Seungkwan's head had grown to ruin his normal functions, he was overthinking the fact that Hansol was right there outside the bathroom door, hearing him shower.  At their dorms he really didn't care about that. The lineup to the shower was a whole row of 12 people each day anyway, was it something new? Nope. Only this time it felt different. Maybe he should share the room with the boy more often so it wouldn't be this goddamn awkward.

Speaking of awkward, he imagined him in the shower with him. Out of the blue. Nice, Seungkwan. With the wild imagination of his it was hard to avoid certain scenarios in his head. He tried to focus on other things, normal things, while washing himself but he constantly thought if Hansol walked in. He knew he wouldn’t, of course he wouldn’t. 

 

But what would it be like if they showered together, though? 

 

Seungkwan felt himself get a little hard at the thought of them together. _No, Seungkwan, you will not do that in the shower_ , he tried to control himself in his head. His cheeks got warmer and warmer the more he thought of it. He just let out a loud sigh and looked at the water running down his lower body. 

After a while of contemplating whether he wanted to do what he had on his mind, he ended up just going with it. Despite of being a young adult, a male with his sexual needs, he didn’t really jerk off that much. Not because he didn’t like it but just the fact that he lived with another twelve men who could walk in on him made him too cautious. The only times he would take some sexual frustration out of himself were during a shower.

He stepped to lean on the wall and worked a little faster. A few minutes later, his high got closer. He could feel the embarrassment and regret but also satisfaction and heat in his cheeks. Suddenly he heard a loud knock on the bathroom door and that made the boy jump scared. He almost slipped but luckily got a hold on the wall, his legs shaky and face now five times redder.

 

“Seungkwan! Just letting you know Seungcheol brought us fried chicken so hurry.”

“Yeah okay!” Seungkwan hurried and a small part in him wished he could’ve finished himself but now it just felt too awkward. Hansol was waiting for him to come to eat anyway. So he just shut down the shower and got out. 

 

He dried himself on the way out of the bathroom and put the towel over his hips. Right when he opened the door, he was being stared at by the boy he got off to. Seungkwan saw how he looked at his body and gave the older a little smile. Seungkwan felt wrong and his cheeks got red again.  _Please don't look at me._

 

“They said we have a free evening.” Hansol announced.

“It’s eight o’clock anyway.” Seungkwan replied and went to his luggage to grab some sweatpants and a simple black T-shirt. 

“So…” The younger started. The pause was abnormally long and Seungkwan looked at him expectantly. “… there’s a game room in this hotel and all the others went there together. Seungcheol asked me if we’re joining, after we’ve eaten though, but I wanted to ask you first.”

“Do _you_ want to go?” The older asked. 

“Only if you want to.” Hansol replied like it was Seungkwan’s decision to make for the both of them.

Of course Seungkwan wanted to go to the game room. But then again, he was drained from travelling and the lack of sleep the night before. He had postponed packing for Japan for so many days so he ended up packing until 4AM. With the total of three hours of sleep really got him yawning all day yet he didn’t fall asleep once. It’s quite a miracle he’s still up after a long day. There was also another reason that perhaps made him want to stay in. The guy next to him. What if they just had a nice cozy evening with Hansol in the hotel room eating their fried chicken and maybe they’d get to sleep early? 

 

“I’ll skip today. I’m quite exhausted.” Seungkwan spoke after a little while of thinking. “Will you stay in too?”

“Yeah, we can just be here, have a cozy evening in, right?” Hansol suggested. It was like the man read Seungkwan’s mind. 

 

They started eating their dinner while watching something on the TV. They sat on their single beds that were already messy from their stuff. On the TV, everything was obviously in Japanese and that made Seungkwan a bit frustrated but he didn’t mind. 

“Oh how I wish I could understand Japanese, you know? Or any language. You’d never have problems with communicating when you travel.” Hansol started talking with his mouth full of food. Seungkwan thought it was annoying when he spoke with his mouth full but right now he’s too unbothered to judge the boy.

“It’s insane how some people can speak over ten languages fluently.” he continued and Seungkwan just listened. His crush was always so interested in talking about things deeply.

“Eat your chicken or I’ll take it.” Seungkwan joked and made Hansol give him a concerned look.

“But yeah, it would definitely be cool to even speak English fluently but I don't have time to learn it.” he continued.

“I could teach you.” Hansol replied and turned to Seungkwan.

“You’ve said that a thousand times but you never do.”

“You never ask.” The younger laughed.

“Okay well, teach me.”

“Now? What do you want to learn?” Hansol got serious and stood up from his bed. He grabbed Seungkwan’s shoulder and sat in front of him, blocking his view from the television. 

“You’re the teacher so you’ll decide, Mr. Chwe. But mostly, I want to learn to pronounce correctly.”

“So you really want me to give you an English lesson right now and here?” Hansol was surprisingly serious about it. If Seungkwan said yes, he’d definitely get a whole lesson from the younger. And he would go on and on and as much as Seungkwan was excited to learn, he'd fall asleep after twenty minutes, remembering the fact that he only slept a good three hours last night.

“Not right now, really. Maybe when we’re back home and have a break.”

“Alright!” Hansol just gave Seungkwan that genuine smile of his and turned to watch the TV. He didn’t move back to his own bed, though. He just chose to make himself comfortable on Seungkwan’s bed. Luckily there was enough space in the bed despite being a single bed.

 

It got closer and closer to midnight and Seungkwan had almost fell asleep four times. He wanted to sleep but he forced himself to stay awake for Hansol. They had just started a comedy movie an hour ago and for some reason Seungkwan didn’t want to upset Hansol by falling asleep in the middle of it. The younger had even mentioned how much he’s wanted to see the movie but never had the time. 

Seungkwan was a little surprised how Hansol never went back to his own bed. The boy was laying on his stomach, his back facing Seungkwan and feet next to the older’s lap. His eyes completely focused on the television in front of him. Seungkwan instead was laying back against the wall with a pillow behind his back making it more comfortable. He could fall asleep again. Slowly he shifted into another position and reached for his cup of water on the nightstand. At that second Hansol turned his head to look at Seungkwan.

 

“We can go to sleep if you’re tired.” The younger spoke.

“But you wanted to watch the movie.” Seungkwan’s tired and a little raspy voice said. Hansol looked at the clock on his phone.

“It’s midnight, maybe it’s better to go to sleep.” he said and got up from the bed. 

“I’m too tired to moooooove…” Seungkwan whined childishly and stretched his arms over his head. Hansol just giggled and stepped closer to him, grabbed his hands and pulled him up from the bed.

“You have to brush your teeth before you sleep. I'll help.” he said and guided the shorter boy to the bathroom. The bright bathroom lights blinded Seungkwan’s tired eyes and he immediately sat on the toilet with his eyes closed. He exaggerated a little since he actually really wanted Hansol to help him with his night chores. Although his yawns were all real. But even his tired self was dying from the heartwarming smile that Hansol wore on his face while he held the toothbrush in front of Seungkwan, waiting for the tired man to take it. 

They ended up brushing their teeth together. Hansol kept checking on Seungkwan that he won’t fall asleep and it made the older laugh a bit. Of course he could do this on his own. He’s not a baby. But to Hansol it seemed to be very serious. 

“Now spit it out.”

 

After finishing up, Seungkwan fell face first on his bed and right and there was ready to call it a night. Only seconds later he felt a weight pressing down on the other side of the bed. The other boy made his way closer to Seungkwan and hugged him from the back. 

“Vernonie… what are you doing?” Seungkwan panicked a little.

“Oh, you don’t like it?” Hansol was about to loosen his hold.

“No! I mean, I don’t mind. I just thought you’d go to your own bed.” Seungkwan’s heart was now beating a little too fast for his liking. If Hansol pressed his hand on Seungkwan’s chest, he’d feel the pounding way too clearly.  _Also why is he being this clingy?_

“Do you mind if I…” Hansol started. He moved his grip over Seungkwan’s chest. _Oh my god._

“… Do you mind if I just sleep here?”

Seungkwan thanked god he had his face buried in the bedsheets. He wouldn’t even want to see his face himself. It was probably really bad. 

“Uhh… no. It’s… fine.”

“What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.” Hansol asked and Seungkwan sighed. _Is this boy trying to make me say it again?_

“Yes. You can sleep here.” 

“Okay. Let me just turn off the lights first.” Hansol sounded remarkably happy with Seungkwan’s answer. He really seemed to want to sleep in the same bed with him. But now it hit Seungkwan. They would sleep next to each other with their bodies pressed together once again. It’s been a while since last time. It wasn’t even _that_ bad. There was just enough space for two people to sleep but he was scared he’ll panic. This time the only big difference was the fact that Seungkwan’s chest might explode. He would have to rip his heart off if that can make the beating stop. He couldn’t take it. He knew he couldn’t even if he wanted to sleep next to the boy. 

Seungkwan turned around when Hansol climbed back onto the bed. He took a long look at Seungkwan’s blanket in the dark room and even in there Seungkwan saw he had a questioning face.

“Hmm… maybe I should get my own blanket.” Hansol noted.

“You should cause I’m not prepared for you to steal mine overnight.” 

“Exactly.” Hansol promised. Seungkwan adjusted himself on the bed, making space for the other boy. 

“I’ll just get my own blanket in case.” The younger continued. Seungkwan still didn’t understand why Hansol wanted to sleep here when he’s got his own space. His own bed for a reason. He wanted an answer. 

 

 

Seungkwan thought he’d easily fall asleep after saying the quiet good nights to Hansol and turning his back towards the younger. But he was wrong. Even after half an hour the boy was still wide awake, desperately waiting to drift off.

The knee pressed against his thigh kept him aware of their current position and the warm breath behind his back made him restless. He was tired, of course, but he wasn’t ready to sleep yet.

“Hansol.” He whispered. 

“Hmm?” Seungkwan heard his immediate answer. The other wasn’t sleeping yet either. 

“I can’t sleep.” 

There was a short silence until Seungkwan suddenly felt a grip on his shoulder. “Turn around.” Hansol said.

The dark room made it hard for both of them to distinctly see each other’s faces but Seungkwan felt Hansol’s breath in his face. _This might be too much._

 

_But I guess I can deal with it._

 

“I wanna know why you’d rather sleep right here in this small space with me than in your own bed.” Seungkwan finally blurted out. He suddenly laid his face closer to Hansol’s, finding it kind of comfortable to step into his personal space. 

Again, short silence until Hansol sighed. “I don’t know… I wanted to.” His voice quieter than before. “Do you want it?” 

Seungkwan let out a small giggle. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Seungkwan couldn’t see it well, but he knew Hansol smiled with his teeth. He wasn’t even close to tired, like himself. 

“Yeah.” Seungkwan repeated. 

Hansol moved his hands under Seungkwan’s blanket to take his in his own. He brought them up between their faces. 

“Try to get sleep.” 

“Okay.” 

Hansol smiled with his teeth again. It made Seungkwan smile too and somehow the fatigue finally hit him after the short while.  There they were together. Comfortable and warm. Their heartbeats in rhythm.


	7. great things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seventeen come back to Seoul from Japan and Seungkwan has plans.

_A week later…_

 

“I don’t want to leave Japan but I miss Seoul,” Seungkwan confessed.  
All the members had got together to enjoy breakfast on their last day in Japan. While everyone chewed on their freshly baked pastries brought from the small bakery nearby, Soonyoung opened his mouth to speak.  
“We’ll come here in three months again. Don’t worry.”  
“I’ll miss the food so much,” Jisoo said.  
“Oh me too.” agreed the youngest.  
“… Me too.” Soonyoung admitted.

Japan had brought the boys the most amazing moments, from good food to various new experiences. Despite their tight schedule, they managed to enjoy their stay fully and create memories together.

Seungkwan loved to be back home in Seoul, no doubt. He loved the upcoming spring weather along with cherry blossoms and warmth. Even though all that is found in the land of the rising sun, travelling makes a human tired. He wanted home. He got home. But what came after arriving at their very own dormitory started bugging him.

“Japan changed Seungkwan.” was all Seokmin had to state when he began to pay attention to the younger’s sudden liveliness. Seungkwan himself wasn’t too happy with the fact that all the other members had noticed the change too. He guessed that’s a minus side of having twelve friends living under the same roof with you. Everyone will notice your odd behavior.  
“You say that every single time,” Seungkwan said, rolling his eyes. “I just happen to be in a good mood, that’s all.” All because of Hansol.  
“You’ve been in a good mood for too long. It’s getting quite suspicious.” Jisoo remarked.  
“Don’t worry. I’m not planning anything on you guys.”  
“Yet?”  
“Yet.”  
On the other side of the room, Hansol was smiling at Seungkwan.

  
_— Seungkwan woke up to something tickling his neck. He felt soft fingertips running through his hair lightly. He shifted and mumbled unknown words, not completely awake. A voice in front of him sounded like a chuckle and Seungkwan opened his eyes carefully._  
_“What time is it?”_  
_“7 AM. You can still sleep.” Hansol replied in a calm tone. At that, Seungkwan buried his head back in the pillow and let out a long sigh._

_Hansol continued running his fingers through the older’s hair. Little did Seungkwan know, the way Hansol looked at Seungkwan at that moment was the most loving, wanting and caring thing that would make the boy’s heartbeat out of control —_

  
_— Did Hansol sit next to Seungkwan for business dinner on purpose just to tease him? Because for damn sure Seungkwan felt two fingertips slide down on his thigh. Hansol had taken only a couple beers, like almost everyone else at the dinner table, but the boy seemed to be a little more lightheaded today than usual._  
_“Hansol, what are you doing?” Seungkwan stuttered nervously yet let out a little laugh._  
_“N-nothing.” The younger answered and took his hand away immediately. His eyes screamed panic. Seungkwan saw Hansol’s cheeks redden making him snicker. He reached for the younger’s hand and held it under the table. Hansol, still eyes wide, didn’t look away from their hands for another ten seconds. Was he alright?_  
_“All good?” Seungkwan questioned. He gave a comforting squeeze to Hansol’s hand and took a sip of his own beer with his free hand. The younger just nodded, finally seemed a little more confident. Hopefully, he’s honest, then._  
_A couple moments later, Seungkwan had built some courage to suggest:_  
_“We should ask the managers if we can go for a walk, just us two, yeah?” He didn’t understand how such a little amount of alcohol encouraged him to say such things. Of course, there’s nothing romantic in that. Just going for a walk. Seungkwan just happened to overthink things._  
_“Yeah. I think I need some air too. I know where we can go.” —_

  
_— “Do you even know where we’re going?” Seungkwan asked._  
_“No, but what’s the fun in knowing where to go?”_  
_“Hansol, that was the dumbest and most cliche thing you’ve said in your 21 years of life.”_  
_“You agree with me, though?”_  
_“No. I’m stressed about you.” Seungkwan blurted out. He made eye contact with the younger and saw how he was pouting awkwardly. Seungkwan can’t stand that. “Okay. Lead me then.”_  
_“Sure will.” Hansol’s smile could’ve cured diseases._  
_He adjusted his mask and grabbed the older’s hand as they walked together on the beautiful streets of Osaka. —_

 

 _— “I’m going to Jeju in two weeks,” Seungkwan said to Hansol while the boys waited for their flight back to Seoul. Hansol was stuffing a ham sandwich into his mouth when he heard the boy and immediately turned to Seungkwan. He chewed faster so he could speak back._  
_“Oh, you could get a permission to go? That’s so great, Seungkwan.” He answered and took another bite. Hansol seemed genuinely happy that his best friend finally got to see his family after a long time. Family meant everything to them, after all._  
_“Yeah.” Seungkwan smiled and looked down, nervously. “But I was also thinking…” He sighed, not knowing how to exactly ask the younger what he needed to._  
_“What?”_  
_“If you wanted to come with me too? I know you probably want to see your family too now that we have some free time so I totally understand if you can’t come but I already asked the managers if it was poss-“ He blurted._  
_“Of course I’ll come. What even, of course!”_  
_“Wow, you got excited.” Seungkwan was actually surprised by Hansol’s expressions._  
_“Is it okay with your mother though?”_  
_“You know she likes you a lot. She would love to see you again.” Seungkwan looked around to make sure no one saw and he grabbed the younger’s hand in his. “Sadly we don’t sit next to each other on the plane, we can’t plan the trip yet.”_  
_“We don’t have to plan anything,” Hansol suggested. “At least yet.”_  
_Seungkwan’s eyes were sparkling with excitement. Hansol was going to come to his home, to Jeju Island. With him. This was going to be fun. —_

 

——

  
“Hold on, I can’t believe I forgot my freaking _passport_.” Seungkwan ran to his room quickly once again.  
“No way. Every time.” Hansol worried.  
“Shut up. At least I don’t forget my toothbrush every time like you. That’s disgusting.”  
“You can always get a new one for 2000 won anyway.”  
“Whatever.” Seungkwan sighed.  
The other members slowly got to the main area where the two were getting ready to leave.  
“You aren’t leaving without my hugs,” Jeonghan said and before Seungkwan could even answer he was tightly squeezed in the older’s hold. He decided to hug back, sure he’s going to miss him. Even though they won’t be away for years.  
“Have fun and bring souvenirs, Kwannie!” Soonyoung jumped on him.  
“Do you ever remember Jeju is just another province of Korea? Not abroad. The same stuff is here too, idiot.” Seungkwan said while hugging the other.  
“I don’t care. Bring souvenirs! And have fun. Eat well!” He repeated and winked at Seungkwan.   
“Yes, we will. Take care of the dorm, friends.” Hansol spoke.  
After saying goodbyes to all the members, Seungkwan and Hansol were off to the Incheon Airport.

 

_"Dear diary,_

_I am... going to Jeju with Hansol!_

_Not much else to say, I'm a nervous wreck yet absolutely hyped about this. I'm going to see my family. I'm going to eat mum's good food! I can show Hansol everything around my neighbourhood. This is going to be a whole dream. I hope everything will go fine."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! it's been a while (again) and i'm so sorry for making you wait.  
> i've had writer's block for idk ages ?? and even though i've got the plot ready, i just didn't know what to do exactly.
> 
> ALSO, this chapter is quite short, which i'm sorry for! but i wanted to update right now, even if its just a little. i promise to update soon again because now i've got some stuff planned :)
> 
> hope you enjoy it anyway!


	8. burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan and Hansol arrive to Jeju.

The Incheon Airport was way less packed than Seungkwan expected. Surely it made a difference when there were no staff members or fans following them around and taking pictures. It was just Seungkwan and Hansol. Hansol and Seungkwan. And a couple thousand strangers.

 

A week back Seungkwan had got a call from his manager asking if he’d be able to film some of their activities during their stay in Jeju. He had mixed feelings about the proposition for certain reasons. Not that it would really bother either of them in general, but since this was going to be a holiday, Seungkwan wanted it to be a holiday. Free from cameras, managers, and staff. He wanted to feel his childhood memories rush into his mind and bringing him nostalgia and happiness. But then again, this was his life now and he had signed up for it, so he ended up packing a camera given from the staff anyway. The material was going to be for fans, after all. It wasn’t like they had to film everything, just little bits of their days. After hearing the news, Hansol seemed to be completely fine with it so Seungkwan decided he was going to try as well. 

 

The check-in and security check went, to Seungkwan’s surprise, just fine. He tends to stress about everything when it comes to travelling. He tried to act cool but the excitement and nervousness didn’t help it. He wants Hansol to enjoy this trip to the fullest. He could’ve stayed in Seoul and be with his family but instead, he decided to travel to Jeju with the older. 

Hansol noticed the boy bouncing his leg during takeoff. He rested his hand on Seungkwan’s on their shared armrest in attempt to help him calm down, whatever was worrying him. It seemed to help him. 

“What are you nervous about?”

“I’m not nervous, I’m excited,” Seungkwan replied quietly. They both knew that wasn’t exactly the whole truth. A short silence fell in between the boys while the plane was taking off and finally in the air. 

“Are you worried that I don't really want to spend my week off in Jeju with you?” Hansol asked after the silence. Seungkwan slowly turned to Hansol and mumbled a quiet “yeah, a little”. Hansol sighed and turned fully to Seungkwan and started speaking with that soothing voice of his. 

“If you think I’d rather be with my family in Seoul, no. I mean, yeah, I want to spend time with them but I planned something with them next week. I get to see them way more often than you see your family. When you asked me to come with you it really made me happy. I want to go to Jeju and going there with you is the biggest plus.” Hansol let out in one breath. “And it’s been a while since I ate your mother’s food.” He smiled and a heavy weight from Seungkwan’s shoulders fell off. He smiled back at the younger.

“It makes me happy that you came. Mum is excited to see you.” Seungkwan laughed and grabbed Hansol’s hand gently and intertwined their fingers. They stayed like that for the rest of the short flight while Hansol listened to music and Seungkwan played on his phone with his free hand. 

 

**—**

 

 

_ “Dear passengers, we’re about to start landing. Keep your seatbelt fasten and remember to turn off your mobile phones for the remaining time.” _

 

 

—

 

 

"Seungkwan, Hansol! We're here!" The two confused boys heard a female voice shouting in their direction at the Jeju airport waiting area.

"Mom!" He walked as fast as he could, trying not to run as he didn't exactly want to catch everyone else's attention. Even though that had already happened, thanks to his dear mother. She caught her son in a tight hug and gave a kiss on his cheek as she welcomed Seungkwan to his hometown. After that she rushed to hug Hansol as well, saying how much she missed him too. 

"Your father is waiting in the car, let's go boys." She said and helped the boys with their luggage and led them to Seungkwan's parents' car.

 

—  


 

 

“Ta-da!” 

“So this… is your room?” Hansol asked, clearly knowing it was a dumb question.

“Does it look like my parents’ bedroom to you?” 

Hansol laughed and stepped to take a closer look in every detail of Seungkwan’s room. The other boy sighed contently and fell on his bed, noticing that his mum had changed his bedsheets recently according to the fresh, pleasing scent. 

“It’s funny how you’ve never been here before. I still had my girl group posters up on the walls two years ago.” Seungkwan said.

Hansol replied with a smile and looked at the now empty walls. He really seemed to examine every little part of Seungkwan’s little room. 

It wasn't a big room, as the younger had imagined. Most of his furniture were dark-colored, complimenting the deep blue color of the walls. He had a wide window where he could see the neighbour's house and a couple tall trees covering the view to the street. The room gave him a comfortable, cozy feeling. It was kind of cute to Hansol, somehow. 

 

 

After a while of Seungkwan scrolling through his phone on the bed, waiting for Hansol to be done with whatever room investigation he was on about, he got distracted by a sudden giggle. 

“What?” Seungkwan questioned.

“You were such a cute kid.” 

_Oh please no. Did he find the naked baby pictures_. Seungkwan had told his mum countless times that he’d burn those pictures but he never got a permission to, but he was forced to keep them stored in his wardrobe. Why were they one the desk today though? His mom has something to explain later.

“I’m so sorry you have to see those. Please don’t look at them. Please!” Seungkwan ran from his bed to Hansol and grabbed the pictures. He pushed them under his bed and returned with red cheeks and nervous laughter. 

“You were little, there’s nothing embarrassing,” Hansol commented.

“I don’t want you to see them anyway.” He laid back on his bed to hide his blush, Hansol sitting next to him. In a short silence, Seungkwan thought of ways to make Hansol forget the pictures ever existed. 

“Why do you care? It’s just me.” 

“Because.” _It's you_.

“Okay. You can see mine when we’re at my parents’ place in Seoul, deal?” Hansol suggested and offered his hand to Seungkwan.

“Why would I want to see your naked baby pictures? Are you crazy?” Seungkwan laughed. 

“I just thought it would count as revenge.”

“I don’t care, Hansol.” Seungkwan shook his head and laughed at his friend’s simple mind. "Let’s go downstairs. Mom is probably waiting for us to join dinner already.”

 

 

—

 

 

“And guess what Jinseol did? She thought the man was her old professor and went up to him and greeted him!” Seungkwan’s mother explained excitedly. “I saw it all from behind and couldn’t keep my laughter in!” 

“I swear it was so embarrassing. Please don’t remind me.” Jinseol herself commented. They all laughed at Seungkwan’s sister’s uncomfortable incident as she pouted in embarrassment. 

 

Seungkwan’s older sister had come over for dinner, obviously to see her dear younger brother after a great while. Seungkwan didn’t know that beforehand until the girl jumped on him from behind the corner and scared the crap out of the boy. Hansol and Jinseol laughed so hard at Seungkwan’s angry-sounding whine. He pouted dramatically but jumped back on his sister to give him a long tight hug. 

“How is my favourite brother doing? Staying healthy? Eating enough?” Jinseol squeezed the younger's cheeks.

“I am your only brother. I’m doing fine, don’t worry.” Seungkwan answered but his sister already moved to Hansol and asked how he and his family are doing. Seungkwan found it cute how awkward Hansol got with his family. Or actually with anybody who was not his own family or a friend. It can take some time until the real Hansol cracks out of his little shell. But that’s how he was and Seungkwan liked how different from himself the younger boy was.

 

—

 

“Mom, this is so delicious,” Seungkwan said after a short silence during the family dinner. “You should share the recipe with us. Unless it’s a secret.”

“You think you could make it?” Seungkwan’s mom questioned. “It’s not simple at all.” 

“Not me,” He laughed. “I would burn the dorm down. I’d love to give that to Jun, though. He’s a really good cook, but he doesn’t really make anything but jjajangmyeon or kimchi fried rice.” Seungkwan explained and Hansol hummed and nodded in agreement.

"Not that we complain. He's so great." Hansol said in between.

“In that case, I’ll give it to you later.” She gave in. 

A silence fell in between them for a moment until Jinseol opened her mouth.

“So where is Hansol going to sleep?” They all hummed with their mouths full of food waiting to swallow and see who speaks first.

“I prepared a mattress for you, dear. If that’s okay for you?” Seungkwan’s mother smiled at Hansol.

“O-of course! Anything is fine.” He smiled back.

“Actually, mom. I kind of thought he would sleep in my bed too cause there is a lot of space. A mattress on the floor takes up so much room.” 

“Well..." His mother put the utensils on the table, crossed his fingers and smiled at her son. "you two can decide whatever is best,” she continued and a little blush grew on Seungkwan’s cheeks, waking him up to reality and reminding of what he just suggested. Although his family didn’t seem to care a bit. Except for a little suspicious smile Jinseol shot at him. A wave of relief swept over Seungkwan, not knowing the reason for his constant tenseness when it came to the topic of his undying love for the guy next to him. Hansol instead kept on chewing his food, neither looking remarkably surprised at Seungkwan's words. 

 

"Thank you for the dinner once again. It was so good." Hansol bowed at Seungkwan's mom. She snorted and thanked him back, telling him to follow Seungkwan to his room to get ready for bed.

As they washed their faces and brushed their teeth, Hansol seemed a tad more quiet than usual. Maybe he just didn't really have much to say tonight, Seungkwan stopped himself from overthinking each and every move of the other boy. Even though that didn't stop him from speaking out loud. 

"You know, you can take the mattress if you're not into sleeping in the same bed with me... I mean," He said carefully. "I don't know what you're thinking about it." He folded his clothes on the top of his low drawer and sat on his bed. He stared at Hansol who was fidgeting with the zip of his hoodie, also sitting on Seungkwan's bed. 

"I just thought that maybe I'm a bit of a burden." The younger spoke.

"What?" Seungkwan shifted closer to his friend with a frown on his face.

"I'm a little afraid that your family thinks I'm too much. You were supposed to come here alone but now they can't even really be with you, only you. I came with you too." 

Seungkwan sighed. He remembers how his mother got overly excited when he mentioned that Hansol might come along with him. He knew his mother loves their friendship and thinks the other is an amazing and well-behaved young man, but of course, Hansol wasn't always aware of it. As much as he mentioned it before, the boy didn’t seem to believe him. How could Seungkwan convince him? He patted Hansol's back and sighed again.

"I thought you knew that I very much wanted you here, Hansolie." He started. "Mom loves you, too. You're like family, or that's what mom makes it seem like. He wouldn't treat you this well if she didn't want you here. I know her well." 

"Alright." Hansol just answered. Briefly, as always.

"Don't worry about it. Let's go to sleep. You take the mattress or my cuddles?" Seungkwan laughed, trying to lift up Hansol's mood.

"Neither, but I am taking the bed with you, I guess. If it's fine." The boy said carefully. This shy side of Hansol truly doesn't show up like this every day.

"I literally suggested it first. Now, wait as I get you your own blanket for your stay." Seungkwan got up quickly and ran out of the room, shouting for his mother to help him find an extra blanket. Hansol smiled and licked his chapped lips. Maybe he should never feel worried about unnecessary things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ^__^ it's been a while again.  
> so it took me a whole 30 years to update this.  
> got a writers block, moved houses and went through some stuff but here i am! ready to post more for you. i have indeed not abandoned this fic. i will finish it happily as much as it will take from me ;)
> 
> hope you like this one! i guess i can't make any promises to update too soon but i'm going to try my best.  
> love you <3 leave some comments and kudos owo

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, it means a lot <3 
> 
> message me on twitter (@booluvr) if you want to contact, i'm always willing to talk about anything!!


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